


For Better or Worse

by CelticGrace



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Christmas, M/M, fluff?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 20:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9141631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelticGrace/pseuds/CelticGrace
Summary: Christmas Eve 2186.  Kaidan sits at comatose Shepard's bedside, remembering their time together, the good and the bad.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dbz2010](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dbz2010/gifts).



> Written for the MEFFW's Secret Santa Exchange.
> 
> dbz2010, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!!

_ “Silent night. Holy night. All is calm, all is bright...” _

Kaidan Alenko only vaguely heard the carolers making their rounds outside the ICU of Huerta Memorial Hospital.  He knew they’d been hired by the human staff to bring cheer to those confined to their beds for the holidays.  But given that the occupant of the bed he kept vigil over couldn’t hear them, he really wished they’d all just leave. 

It was selfish, really, but Kaidan was long past caring.  After all he and John had been through together, sacrificing life, limb, and sanity while protecting an ungrateful galaxy – more than once – they’d both earned the right to be selfish.

They’d met what felt like a lifetime ago, and for John it had been, at a PTSD therapy group.  Kaidan had already been involved for months, after a training exercise gone wrong, when the Hero of the Skyllian Blitz had joined the group one Friday night.  Kaidan hadn’t really known what to expect from him; the only facts he knew about Lt. John Shepard were those few that the media deemed broadcast-worthy.

Quiet at first, as most were, John had become the life of the party as it were by his last week of medical leave.  At the end of John’s last session with the group, Kaidan had invited him to his parents’ traditional Christmas party.  They’d stayed up well after the house had emptied and his parents had gone to bed.  So late that Kaidan had actually heard the roosters crowing for the first time since he was a teenager.  They’d gone out to breakfast and John had asked him on a proper date.

“One last fling,” he’d said, “before they ship me off to the ass-end of the galaxy.”

But it hadn’t been a fling, not really.  Everyone had warned Kaidan that it wouldn’t last, not with the two of them on such different schedules; he’d ignored them all.  Sure, they’d only seen each other once every six months, if that, but it had been enough.   

And then Anderson had picked John as his XO on the SSV Normandy.  She was to be the pride of the Alliance fleet and only the best and brightest were chosen to serve aboard her.  Kaidan had been so proud of John for all his accomplishments, wished him well, and had only been the slightest bit jealous.

That was until Anderson had approached him as well.  He’d heard “from a reliable source” that Kaidan was a top rate biotic and would fit in well with the rest.  Kaidan had been certain that Anderson’s “reliable source” had been John, but he’d denied it.  

Once on board, he’d had no time or energy to think about it.  After the nightmare that had been Eden Prime, Kaidan had sat in the med-bay beside an unconscious John, wondering when or if he’d wake up.  

Just as he did now.  

But back then, it had “only” been fifteen hours, and Dr. Chakwas had reassured him, multiple times, that John would be fine.

Now, it had been more than three months – though Kaidan had been unavoidably absent for all but the last week – and none of the doctors had even an ounce of Chakwas’ optimism.  Or charm.

Kaidan sighed and leaned back in his chair, one arm slung over his eyes to block out the harsh lights.  His other hand still firmly grasped John’s, his thumb tracing the smooth cold metal of the band adorning John’s left ring finger.  A band identical to the one on Kaidan’s dog tags.

They’d only just gotten married at the eleventh hour, John wanting “to make that one last fling permanent” before they jumped back into hell.   

It was a miracle they’d made it that far, and it hadn’t been without a lot of strings attached. 

Only weeks after Sovereign, Saren, and the geth had been defeated with the combined efforts of the Alliance, the turians, and the asari, John had been killed on a routine monitoring mission.  He’d spaced, and the Normandy destroyed, at the hands of the Collectors.  

Kaidan had been shaken to the core.  He’d nearly given up, nearly quit the Alliance and gone back to his parents’ orchard.  But he knew Vancouver wasn’t where he truly belonged.  And to give up so easily would have been a disservice to John, to the others lost aboard the Normandy, and all those who’d died during the Battle for the Citadel.  

So after he’d passed his psych eval – how, he’d never know – he’d moved on.  He’d thrived in his new assignment, even gotten a promotion.  

He’d only just started sleeping without constant nightmares when the rumors had started:  Commander Shepard was alive.  He hadn’t believed it, couldn’t, not without proof.  Not long after, he’d received a message, supposedly from John, explaining that he was alive, but not  _ how _ .  But that part of the mystery Kaidan had known already, even if it was another that he’d refused to believe.  

It wasn’t until the Collectors had attacked the colony Kaidan had been working with the last few months that he’d seen with his own eyes that the rumors were true:  John was with Cerberus.  He’d known Joker had defected to the terrorist organization not long after the Normandy’s destruction; the pilot had felt overwhelming survivor’s guilt over his role in John’s death.  But to see John, or someone who looked a hell of a lot like him, in the Cerberus colors had been too much to bear.  

They’d fought bitterly, in the end each of them walking away without resolution.  

Kaidan had heard nothing from John, nor had he wanted to, for a month afterward.  And then, he’d finally gotten off his own high horse and apologized for the things he’d said, the way he’d acted.  He still loved John, always would, but he didn’t see how they could work things out until John was done with Cerberus.  John had replied not long after, saying he hoped he’d be done with his mission sooner rather than later.  He didn’t want to be with Cerberus any longer than necessary.

And he hadn’t been for long.  Less than a month after Kaidan’s apology, he’d received another message, from John telling him that the Normandy – the SR-2 – would be heading through the Omega-4 relay within the next solar day.  And that if he didn’t make it back, he was sorry they’d never patched things up.

But the new Normandy had succeeded where the old one had failed, taking down the Collectors in one fell swoop, and John had returned from hell yet again.

There’d been no time for celebration, yet.  John had gone from Cerberus suicide mission to Alliance rescue mission to what amounted to solitary confinement.  And Kaidan had gotten his own squad of biotic recruits, training them in preparation for the inevitable Reaper invasion.  But over the months of John’s incarceration, they’d managed to reconcile, had fallen in love all over again.

When the invasion had started, John and Kaidan had escaped Earth together on the Normandy.  A brutal attack on Mars by a Cerberus bot had separated them once again, but John had always promised to come back for Kaidan.  And he had, when Cerberus had attempted a coup on the Citadel.

That had nearly been the end of them again, Kaidan protecting the Council, including the corrupt Udina, and John determined to take Udina down, by any means necessary.  It had been a close thing, but in the end, John had finally convinced Kaidan of Udina’s hand in the coup attempt.

John had invited Kaidan back onto the Normandy and they’d reconciled for a third time.  Kaidan had been determined never to doubt John again.  He didn’t think he’d be granted a fourth chance.

The rest of the war had been long and brutal, the final battle in London moreso.  Every time he closed his eyes, Kaidan saw the Reaper forces closing in as he and John had stood on the ramp to the Normandy’s shuttle bay, saying what he’d prayed weren’t their final good-byes. 

When the Normandy had been hit by energy from the Crucible, Kaidan had thought it was the end, again.  But they’d survived, the ship crashed on some uncharted planet.  It had taken the crew a few weeks to get her space worthy again, and nearly two months after to navigate back to Earth.  It wasn’t until they’d reached the Sol System that communications had been restored and they’d learned the fate of Commander Shepard.

In the week since the Normandy’s return, Kaidan had barely slept, eaten only when forced to by his mother, and hadn’t left John’s bedside for more than five minutes at a time.  They’d spent far too much time apart already; he wouldn’t leave, not ever.  For better or worse, those had been the vows they’d emphasized, the ones that seemed to define their relationship.  And he intended keep them, until…

“Hey.”

Kaidan’s eyes flew open and he glanced at the bed.  No change.  He must have been imagining it.

“Kaidan.” 

He ignored it.  It was just his mind playing tricks on him.  Right?  

A battle-calloused thumb brushed against his hand. “Kaidan Alenko, look at me, dammit!” 

He couldn't have imagined  _ that _ .  He tentatively glanced toward the bed again, this time rewarded by the sight of John  _ glaring _ back at him.  

Kaidan couldn’t help but laugh.  “I probably deserve that.”

He wanted to hug John, kiss him, take him home and start the life they’d always wanted together.  For the moment, he was content to watch the nurses fussing over him, knowing how much John hated the attention.

He stepped out of the room for a moment, to give them breathing room and to call John’s mother, and his own, to tell them the news.  As he walked down the hall, he heard another group of carolers, and this time, he couldn’t help but smile and join in the singing.

_ “‘Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la!” _

 


End file.
